patience.

"the days are growing long and i begin to miss your song."

sooo... why can't i feel anything for anyone but him?
my gut instinct is guiding me, but everything around me points otherwise.


i guess patience is key
but i've almost forgotten what beautiful shade of blue his eyes are.


i miss you.

ajlfkjslkjljgldhjlafsd i don't know what i'm doing
like i feel like i'm hyping myself up.
fuck.


if you had come back already, i wouldn't feel this way.


i feel a little floaty and giddy :)
i'm just going to go with the flowwww.
tee hee, i like someone.

>:O

I KNOW WHAT I WANTTTT.


to be happy.
the end.

corny poem to you

your words are the soundtrack in my head
and i never really thought about what you said
you warned me that if i leaned too far i'd fall
but if i did fall, it'd be you who i'd call

and i'd be wrapped in your strong arms
i'd never feel all the hurt or the harms
said you would protect me from anything
because i was your queen and you were my king.

we wrapped ourselves in love and passion,
our hearts connected in an orderly fashion.
your eyes have been the sunshine all this while
and the lovely moon is just my smile.

your big heart is beautiful, good, and pure
but now who knows what it must endure
because you fell for the sneaky tongue
and on the deception of strange women you hung

now your lovely voice is getting soft
and even lies your mouth will cough
just to help you sleep on this night
and the feeling of emptiness that you try to fight

the laughing and touching soon will just fade
and shame will cover the sheets where you laid
because happiness doesn't come easy no more
and the girl that you're sleeping with is just but a ******

i still remember the hours of sweet laughter
planning what we'd do tomorrow and the day after
you'd ask me what ring i'd want on the big day
i'd tell you that "i do" is what i would say.

listening to songs that reminded us of us
because when we weren't together it was just a fuss
so we grew together and our hearts combined
living and breathing each other's soul and mind

no one else knows how your soul tastes but me
your plans and your dreams are the things i did see
so when you lie down and feel that space in your chest
just remember how snugly my head fit in there best.

<3

i'll always love you.

If there's a tomorrow when we're not together,
there's something you must always remember.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think. But the most important
thing is even if we're apart, I'll always be with you.
- Winnie the Pooh



i'll always love you.

Thank you, God

Trials into Blessings
from http://members.tripod.com/BC_StarFire/blessing.html

I just came unto a valley

One like I've never been before
I keep searching for a way out
Seems like padlocks are on the door
Oh, there must be another sunrise
Another sunset that I'll see
GOD will make this trial a blessing
That's the love HE has for me

GOD will make this trial a blessing
Though it sends me to my knees
Though my tears flow like a river
Yet in HIM there's sweet relief
There's no need to get discouraged
There's no need to talk defeat
GOD will make this trial a blessing
And the whole wide world will see

I was not the first one
To come into this place
You see every child of GOD
This test he must face
It is here that GOD will mold you
And make you what you ought to be
GOD will make this trial a blessing
Just be patient, you will see...

Now I'm standing on the mountain
Looking back I can see
When I was in that lowest valley
HIS strong hand was leading me
For it's good to see the sunshine
And to taste sweet victory
GOD has made this trial a blessing
Oh the grace HE gives to me

dear you,

wow, almost two months.
but it's not nearly over, babe.

one week and a half ago you told me you loved me, you miss me, you want to marry me, and that we were going to work things out.
but a couple days later you said you didn't want to anymore because you heard some lies about me.

i'm patient, boy. make up your mind soon though.

i love you.


sincerely,
emily

Faith

I'm not giving up.
I'm not giving you up.

What's more important than love?

cars? money? clothes? sex? history?

nothing is. nothing is more important than the intimacy, nurturing, devotion, care, happiness, and love we gave each other. nothing is.

in the end all you need is love. that's all you need. i'm following my heart for this one. i have faith. although it seems impossible and the future is unknown, i know we're going to be together. i love you, michael maring. the goods outweigh the bads. you and i both know what we have. i'm not going to throw it away. i love you with my whole entire soul and although we've been through some shit and we've both had issues, at the end of the day i just want to be by your side. just push all that garbage away. PUSH EVERYTHING AWAY: your friend's opinions, what some girls might say, what your family might say, the criticism of anyone, the worries you have, the pain in your shin, the problems we've had, stupid pier 1, how much money you have in the bank, how your hair looks, your fear of zombies. just push it away, and the remainder is love. our love. the warmth in your chest when we're together. the gravitational pull my body has to your arms. the ravishing suit you'll wear and my graceful gown. the 9 months of baby excitment that we're going to have someday. the fact that you will never be abandoned and i'll be your partner in anything you desire me to join you in.

you are beautiful inside and out, as i've come to know firsthand. i love you, Michael Patrick Maring and no matter what happens, i will never stop loving you.

Bye

it's day 5. i'm 80% sure he's not coming back.

the drinking, the women, the freedom, the fun. why would he come back to me? i'm old news, captain. but it's okay because the truth is i'm only just waking. i hate to do this because i wanted the entire rest of my life with him by my side. it's the only way since now i know for sure he doesn't want me.

but this is just the beginning. i hate starting over but it must be done. as much as it kills me, i've got to move on. i fucking made it to day 5. this must mean something. i don't want to cut myself anymore, i don't want to cry. i ran out of tears, now i just feel empty. but its good. i'm going to fill myself up with good feelings and fun and friends. i deserve it.

then one day... i'll meet him. i'll meet the perfect guy for me. he'll heal all the old wounds and tell me everything's going to be alright. then this shitty situation would have just been one chapter in the book of my life. one very amazing yet painful chapter.

i'm never going to forget you michael. you taught me so much and i've never loved anyone as much as i loved you. thank you so much for taking care of me when i didn't deserve it, thank you for holding me while i cried and always paying for dinner. thank you for telling me interesting facts and playing with my little brothers. i'm sorry i pestered you so much, was always there bothering you and pushing you away. i just couldn't resist you really. i'm glad i had you in my life, i wish it could've been for longer. good bye.

pain

he's not going to come back. I hate thinking that this is true but it is. he's been dying to get out this whole time. he's not going to come back to me and I've got to get it through my head.

I survived the first two days of our break up but this is day 3 and I'm losing it. I really don't think ill survive for another week. it hurts more that he's ready to go out and party. he's finally free, there's no rules. that's what he wanted all along, no rules. he just wants to try what's out there. he doesn't want me. I always knew he was too good for me. I'm ugly, timid and awkward. he's like a god compared to me. I'm nothing, it was foolish of me to think he ever gave a shit about me.

he hasn't even called to see if I'm okay. hasn't even texted to see if I haven't finished myself off yet. all he's said is that its not me its him. just those words make me realize how much he didn't give a shit.

I don't know if ill ever be okay. I don't really care if I am. people like me never end up happy. I only wanted him. that's all I fucking want. I long for him so much that I can't breathe. I can't sleep or eat. there's the hole in my chest and in my lungs.

I fucking want to die.

then again

I can't sleep or stop thinking about you, which sucks cause I have a meeting @ 8.

to be honest, it would be easier to get over you if you hadn't planted these ideas in my head of love, marriage, commitment, babies, and shit. seriously, why did you do that? I didn't give that stuff a thought before, but since you said you wanted it, I wanted. I'm fucking stupid. you were obviously just saying shit to make me think you were serious about me. I always knew you didn't take me for real. I was always a joke to you but to me you're my entire world.

I've been thinking, I really hope I do die from a broken heart. not to make you feel guilty or anything, not that you'd even give a damn. but I hope I die from a broken heart so that I know during my final moments, it'll be because I loved you too much. it'll be all for love. a lovely, loving death. I'd die because I love you and you don't love me. I'm already dead without you anyway. what's the difference? I don't want to feel your absence. I don't want to feel anything but your skin and hair and arms. I can't bear to live without you, michael.

you

"does she dream of me? i dream of her. the nights away from her she's all that's in my head."
-asthma



i can't live without you
i can't stand that you don't love me
i don't want to be without you
i don't want anything but you
i just wanted your unconditional love
i will not be able to deal with you moving on
i will not be able to forget about you
i will never stop loving you
i meant everything i ever said to you
everything about how when i'm not with you i feel empty
i believed everything that came out of your mouth
i believed you and i trusted you
all those plans and those images about the future
i fucking never doubted any of it
i believed you when you said you wanted me to be the one
but you didn't mean it

i just want to die of heartbreak and get it over with
i can't fucking breathe, i don't want to
i hope i die in my sleep tonight
i don't want to be without you
i physically can't function
you promised we'd be happy together forever

i ate it all up
now i can't stop crying
and i'm considering peeling my skin open and ripping out my veins
why didn't you just tell me in the beginning that you were just saying that
that there was no meaning behind it that they were just nice things to say

fuck fuck fuck everything
i don't want it
i don't want anything
nothing fucking matters
nothing is anything
every second i spend apart from you, my chest is in pain
fuck, why couldn't you just love me.

pathetic but...

so i've got no coping skills.

i seriously thought about killing myself today. i'm not going to go into details but i wanted to do it so bad. i feel like i need to die. i can't deal with the pain that i'm feeling right now. i need to like stop living right now. i can't fathom my life without him. it sounds fucking cliche, pathetic, naive, and stupid but its true. it's how i feel. i feel like i can't breathe and my heart is shrivelling up. the pain surges throughout my entire body and i want to just fucking end it.

why? like why? why did you continiously lie to me. i'm dying. i'm going to die without you. you know that and you don't care. why didn't you just tell me i didn't mean shit to you?

im fucking shattered
i fucking hate everything
i really wish i was brave enought to end myself.

saw this coming

I'm going to be homeless for real now. no one's supporting me on this, no one's got my back. I'm alone.

when I told mike I'm looking into an apartment, he said he wouldn't move in with me. he said he can't afford it. its fine, I don't want him to go broke, but it still sucks.

so I'm trying to work out my options and nothing will work out in my favor. I've got no money, or friends, or support but I've got to get out of my house. I've already made up my mind the minute my father pushed me against the wall while kicking me. its not worth living here.

I've got to figure something out by monday. and now I'm all alone. I'm going to be homeless. and I'm miserable.

maybe ill just get hit by a truck or something.

from Worse to Worst.

things are barely getting better for me. i'm depressed again, i don't know if i ever stopped being depressed, but here i am again. i'm wearing michael out. he hates when i'm upset and i hate it too. i just get so sad for no apparent reason, but just nothing ever works out for me. i keep trying to be optimistic and keep trying to make my life better, but i just fall flat on my face.

i was going to list the things that are wrong in my life but there's alot and i feel pathetic even thinking about it all but some of it includes the fact that i got violently kicked out of my house by my ignorant prick father, i'm not sure where i'm going to live because it's too late to dorm in my school and i've got no money. next, i got a lovely traffic ticket for "unsafe lane change". the sad part is the person actually signaled for me to go in front of them but the scumbag cop thought i deserved it anyway? now i have to go to court and face hundreds of dollars of fees and possible points on my license, plus i've got to represent myself because i have no money for a stupid lawyer. i hate cops. also, the few friends i have hate me because i'm a bad drunk and get all party-pooper status because of my drunken emotional breakdowns. the worst part is that out of all this, the only person that cares about me is michael and i keep bringing him down with my self-pity crap. i don't know how to stop it, i'm just down and gay all the time. i cry when i'm not with him and when i am with him, i get clingy and annoy him. i love him and i need him so much but i know i'm pushing him away.

i need to do something with myself before i dwindle into a worse depression. someone save me? i'm the worst, saddest, stupidest person in the world. this blog proves it.

i'm always going to be stuck in the this vicious circle of sadness, fuckkkkk.

i love you till the end

i don't care about getting hurt. it's worth it just to even have you for a moment. it really is, like even though we have horrible fights and we each fuck up, it's worth it. cause without you i'd be an empty shell. you give me life and i cannot even begin to express how much that means to me. i'll do anything you say and i'll change to make me right for you. like do whatever you want, be a jerk, be a dick to me, flirt with other girls, make fun of me, treat me however you'd like. i don't care, all i want is you if even for a moment. even if at the end you leave me and there's just the painfully heartbreak ordeal i'll have to go through, it's worth it because i have you right now. i just love you, michael.

I just want to see you

When youre all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You dont want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why dont you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
Im lost for words dont tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end

sick

hey i'm sick.

sick of waiting around for life to happen.
sick of my parents crushing my dreams and bringing me down.
sick of being impatient.
sick of being confused.
sick of relying on everyone else.
sick of being surprised when they let me down.
sick of freehold, nj.
sick of missing my hometown.
sick of my job at express that makes me hate people and sell crappy clothes for pathetic $9 an hour.
sick of being alone all the time.
sick of my thoughts.
sick of these horrible surprises.
sick of missing your skin next to mine so bad.
sick of you living so far from me.
sick of my stupid mistakes.
sick of being so passive.
sick of wishing instead of doing.


i'm going to cure myself.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

that's the sound of my brain exploding.
what the fuck
what the fuck
what the fuck


idk