Bye

it's day 5. i'm 80% sure he's not coming back.

the drinking, the women, the freedom, the fun. why would he come back to me? i'm old news, captain. but it's okay because the truth is i'm only just waking. i hate to do this because i wanted the entire rest of my life with him by my side. it's the only way since now i know for sure he doesn't want me.

but this is just the beginning. i hate starting over but it must be done. as much as it kills me, i've got to move on. i fucking made it to day 5. this must mean something. i don't want to cut myself anymore, i don't want to cry. i ran out of tears, now i just feel empty. but its good. i'm going to fill myself up with good feelings and fun and friends. i deserve it.

then one day... i'll meet him. i'll meet the perfect guy for me. he'll heal all the old wounds and tell me everything's going to be alright. then this shitty situation would have just been one chapter in the book of my life. one very amazing yet painful chapter.

i'm never going to forget you michael. you taught me so much and i've never loved anyone as much as i loved you. thank you so much for taking care of me when i didn't deserve it, thank you for holding me while i cried and always paying for dinner. thank you for telling me interesting facts and playing with my little brothers. i'm sorry i pestered you so much, was always there bothering you and pushing you away. i just couldn't resist you really. i'm glad i had you in my life, i wish it could've been for longer. good bye.

pain

he's not going to come back. I hate thinking that this is true but it is. he's been dying to get out this whole time. he's not going to come back to me and I've got to get it through my head.

I survived the first two days of our break up but this is day 3 and I'm losing it. I really don't think ill survive for another week. it hurts more that he's ready to go out and party. he's finally free, there's no rules. that's what he wanted all along, no rules. he just wants to try what's out there. he doesn't want me. I always knew he was too good for me. I'm ugly, timid and awkward. he's like a god compared to me. I'm nothing, it was foolish of me to think he ever gave a shit about me.

he hasn't even called to see if I'm okay. hasn't even texted to see if I haven't finished myself off yet. all he's said is that its not me its him. just those words make me realize how much he didn't give a shit.

I don't know if ill ever be okay. I don't really care if I am. people like me never end up happy. I only wanted him. that's all I fucking want. I long for him so much that I can't breathe. I can't sleep or eat. there's the hole in my chest and in my lungs.

I fucking want to die.

then again

I can't sleep or stop thinking about you, which sucks cause I have a meeting @ 8.

to be honest, it would be easier to get over you if you hadn't planted these ideas in my head of love, marriage, commitment, babies, and shit. seriously, why did you do that? I didn't give that stuff a thought before, but since you said you wanted it, I wanted. I'm fucking stupid. you were obviously just saying shit to make me think you were serious about me. I always knew you didn't take me for real. I was always a joke to you but to me you're my entire world.

I've been thinking, I really hope I do die from a broken heart. not to make you feel guilty or anything, not that you'd even give a damn. but I hope I die from a broken heart so that I know during my final moments, it'll be because I loved you too much. it'll be all for love. a lovely, loving death. I'd die because I love you and you don't love me. I'm already dead without you anyway. what's the difference? I don't want to feel your absence. I don't want to feel anything but your skin and hair and arms. I can't bear to live without you, michael.

you

"does she dream of me? i dream of her. the nights away from her she's all that's in my head."
-asthma



i can't live without you
i can't stand that you don't love me
i don't want to be without you
i don't want anything but you
i just wanted your unconditional love
i will not be able to deal with you moving on
i will not be able to forget about you
i will never stop loving you
i meant everything i ever said to you
everything about how when i'm not with you i feel empty
i believed everything that came out of your mouth
i believed you and i trusted you
all those plans and those images about the future
i fucking never doubted any of it
i believed you when you said you wanted me to be the one
but you didn't mean it

i just want to die of heartbreak and get it over with
i can't fucking breathe, i don't want to
i hope i die in my sleep tonight
i don't want to be without you
i physically can't function
you promised we'd be happy together forever

i ate it all up
now i can't stop crying
and i'm considering peeling my skin open and ripping out my veins
why didn't you just tell me in the beginning that you were just saying that
that there was no meaning behind it that they were just nice things to say

fuck fuck fuck everything
i don't want it
i don't want anything
nothing fucking matters
nothing is anything
every second i spend apart from you, my chest is in pain
fuck, why couldn't you just love me.

pathetic but...

so i've got no coping skills.

i seriously thought about killing myself today. i'm not going to go into details but i wanted to do it so bad. i feel like i need to die. i can't deal with the pain that i'm feeling right now. i need to like stop living right now. i can't fathom my life without him. it sounds fucking cliche, pathetic, naive, and stupid but its true. it's how i feel. i feel like i can't breathe and my heart is shrivelling up. the pain surges throughout my entire body and i want to just fucking end it.

why? like why? why did you continiously lie to me. i'm dying. i'm going to die without you. you know that and you don't care. why didn't you just tell me i didn't mean shit to you?

im fucking shattered
i fucking hate everything
i really wish i was brave enought to end myself.