Blush

I'm confused
I'm a mess

Well we both know how we feel about each other. Correction, I know how I feel about you. Which is mostly admiration, desire, with a hint of intrigue. I don't want to be your girlfriend. I want to be your everything. But then again, I want a lot of things and I just so happen to never get what I want. You don't have to feel this way about me so I'm willing to accept friendship, meaningless hugs, or whatever you wanna throw my way. I'm glad things happened though. It melts my heart when I look back on our lil' cute memories.

I was (am?) head over heels.
^____^

Bleh

I'm so fucking devistated. I've come to realize everything is too good to be true. Nothing will ever go my way. Anything I look forward to will probably not ever happen and I will never be happy. Yeah, happiness doesn't happen for me apparently.

I just want to fucking like, skip life for like a year. Just to fucking forget everything and play it off. Whatever dude, I'm fucking sick of everything, including myself. Everything in my life is making me sick and no one fucking cares. No one has any regard for my feelings. Especially sweet, sweet fucking Michael. Wow, way to fucking make the last two years feel like it fucking meant something, not really though.

I just feel so fucking empty right now. I can't like even stop crying cause there's nothing to distract me from the fucking clump in my throat that's making it hard for me to breathe. I can't call anyone cause I don't wanna bring them down with my pathetic problems. In addition, I've already read the books I bought two nights ago. So that leaves nothing at all. I have nothing to rely on.

I keep fantasizing about how I wish my life could be. Just me and you, cause I've pretty much lost faith in all of humanity.

Twilight

So I saw Nick and Norah finally and it was such a good, awesome movie but that's not what this blog is about.

Mike got me Twilight yesterday. I'd been talking about reading it for a while since all I hear is rave reviews about it. I started reading yesterday and I finished tonight. It has to be one of the best love stories ever. Basically I couldn't put the book down. I was so entangled and caught up in this crazy little vampire world where boys are drop-dead gorgeous and love you forever. Damn it, Edward Cullen, why can't you be real. Haha, I'm gonna definitely buy or borrow the sequel (hmm, Lizzy has the whole series, maybe I'll steal it from her [:<). I read a lil' preview for the next one and fuck, I can't wait. AND the movie comes out next month so I'm excited that I read it. However, from the trailer I can see that its gonna be pretty... off? For one thing, Bella is not how I pictured, she's all like big and butchy and not the cute, clumsy girl from the book. Neither is Edward for that matter. I thought he was supposed to emanate god-like beauty? That dude is just kinda dim in comparison to what I pictured in my head. Oh well, definitely gonna see it theatres though.

I feel like such a fangirl o_O

Emotions Soup

I'm in this emotional soup lately where all I feel is happyness, regret, confidence, melancholy, excitement, and anger. It's just this vicious cycle. A clusterfuck of emotions. A mood swing souffle.

I basically don't know what to do with myself. I think I know what I'm doing but I don't, I've got it all wrong probably. Mistakes or good choices, who decides what's what?

I'm trying to get my shit together though. Today I took the Spanish CLEP cause I'm fluent and all, I got a pretty good score. 74 out of 80! The thing was harder than I expected so I'm proud I did so well. That's a sweet 6 credits that I didn't have before. Also, today I sent in my application to Monmouth University. I'd like to apply to other places though, just in case. Tomorrow I have a math class at 8am that I'm not attending though. Teehee. And I'm finally seeing Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist *crosses fingers* =)

"That's what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche or a blow job or a million-dollar crib. No. They want to hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding."

-Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, novel

Sigh

I'm like in zombie-mode right now. I woke up super-early so I was on time to my field work at Erikson School. I have to help out at one of the 1st grade classrooms there every Tuesday. The kids are adorable and they say the most funniest things all the time.

I've lost touch with my friends Lizzy and Pau again. I miss them alot and I miss us all being together. I just don't want to talk to them cause I'll bring them down since I've been so depressed lately. I don't even wanna talk to Mike cause he's depressed too. Instead of being gay and emo together or trying to cheer up he decides to talk to me condensendingly. It's not his fault though, I'm even crappier now cause I have my period. I want someone who will just talk garbage and dreams with me. Yeah, I'm a selfish jerk sometimes.



Watching Family Guy and it's the only thing that will get a laugh out of me lately. I miss being happy and not so cynical all the time.

Ditched and Decisions

I'm stuck babysitting my two brothers alone. Mike was supposed to accompany me, but he fell off as usual. He should've just said he wasn't coming, but I guess I should've expected this. My 17 year old sister is off somewhere in Hoboken and my parents are in Columbia 'til who knows. My mom hired my aunt to babysit but she's off at a party, lol.

So that's my luck obviously and since I'm just sitting here my minds wandering. I'm thinking whether sometimes I make the right choices. I suck at decisions and I think I made the right one for everyone's sake; and mine? I'm not sure. Whatever, I'm making up my mind, like my boy Tupac would advise so.

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.
-Tupac

Drugs, Dancing, and Bruises

I had math class all morning and it made me want to shoot myself.

Mike got his teeth pulled today so he's all cracked out and adorable from the Vicodin. He's telling me sweet nothings and being spontaneous. I wish he'd stay this way, lol. Tonight I might be going to Chubby's in Red Bank. Basically it's a club that all the Monmouth University kids go to and Lizzy invited me. I'm excited cause last time I went I had so much fun, I was so trashed and we were like dancing on some stage thing *raised eyebrow*. Ha, good times.

This song owns my life right now. It's from that iPod commercial, but still it's mighty sweet.

Bruises by Chairlift

Anxiety

I'm not usually an anxious person. But when I am anxious, its like I swallowed a ball of uneasiness. This is the worst feeling in the world.

I feel the the distress and nervousness flowing from my stomach to my fingertips. It mostly sits in my stomach though, like a brick of worry clamped onto my intenstines. My fingertips are dead and the intestinal parasite of anxiety in my gut just sucks the life out of me.

I'm not usually an anxious person. But when I am anxious, I just want to call you up so you can reassure me everythings gonna be alright. Then the anxiety pours out of my fingertips. This is the best feeling in the world.