saw this coming

I'm going to be homeless for real now. no one's supporting me on this, no one's got my back. I'm alone.

when I told mike I'm looking into an apartment, he said he wouldn't move in with me. he said he can't afford it. its fine, I don't want him to go broke, but it still sucks.

so I'm trying to work out my options and nothing will work out in my favor. I've got no money, or friends, or support but I've got to get out of my house. I've already made up my mind the minute my father pushed me against the wall while kicking me. its not worth living here.

I've got to figure something out by monday. and now I'm all alone. I'm going to be homeless. and I'm miserable.

maybe ill just get hit by a truck or something.

from Worse to Worst.

things are barely getting better for me. i'm depressed again, i don't know if i ever stopped being depressed, but here i am again. i'm wearing michael out. he hates when i'm upset and i hate it too. i just get so sad for no apparent reason, but just nothing ever works out for me. i keep trying to be optimistic and keep trying to make my life better, but i just fall flat on my face.

i was going to list the things that are wrong in my life but there's alot and i feel pathetic even thinking about it all but some of it includes the fact that i got violently kicked out of my house by my ignorant prick father, i'm not sure where i'm going to live because it's too late to dorm in my school and i've got no money. next, i got a lovely traffic ticket for "unsafe lane change". the sad part is the person actually signaled for me to go in front of them but the scumbag cop thought i deserved it anyway? now i have to go to court and face hundreds of dollars of fees and possible points on my license, plus i've got to represent myself because i have no money for a stupid lawyer. i hate cops. also, the few friends i have hate me because i'm a bad drunk and get all party-pooper status because of my drunken emotional breakdowns. the worst part is that out of all this, the only person that cares about me is michael and i keep bringing him down with my self-pity crap. i don't know how to stop it, i'm just down and gay all the time. i cry when i'm not with him and when i am with him, i get clingy and annoy him. i love him and i need him so much but i know i'm pushing him away.

i need to do something with myself before i dwindle into a worse depression. someone save me? i'm the worst, saddest, stupidest person in the world. this blog proves it.

i'm always going to be stuck in the this vicious circle of sadness, fuckkkkk.