Laughter Disaster

patience.

2009-08-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

"the days are growing long and i begin to miss your song."

sooo... why can't i feel anything for anyone but him?
my gut instinct is guiding me, but everything around me points otherwise.

i guess patience is key
but i've almost forgotten what beautiful shade of blue his eyes are.

i miss you.

2009-07-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

ajlfkjslkjljgldhjlafsd i don't know what i'm doing
like i feel like i'm hyping myself up.
fuck.

if you had come back already, i wouldn't feel this way.

i feel a little floaty and giddy :)
i'm just going to go with the flowwww.
tee hee, i like someone.

>:O

2009-07-21T19:34:00.001-07:00

I KNOW WHAT I WANTTTT.

to be happy.
the end.

corny poem to you

2009-07-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

your words are the soundtrack in my head
and i never really thought about what you said
you warned me that if i leaned too far i'd fall
but if i did fall, it'd be you who i'd call

and i'd be wrapped in your strong arms
i'd never feel all the hurt or the harms
said you would protect me from anything
because i was your queen and you were my king.

we wrapped ourselves in love and passion,
our hearts connected in an orderly fashion.
your eyes have been the sunshine all this while
and the lovely moon is just my smile.

your big heart is beautiful, good, and pure
but now who knows what it must endure
because you fell for the sneaky tongue
and on the deception of strange women you hung

now your lovely voice is getting soft
and even lies your mouth will cough
just to help you sleep on this night
and the feeling of emptiness that you try to fight

the laughing and touching soon will just fade
and shame will cover the sheets where you laid
because happiness doesn't come easy no more
and the girl that you're sleeping with is just but a ******

i still remember the hours of sweet laughter
planning what we'd do tomorrow and the day after
you'd ask me what ring i'd want on the big day
i'd tell you that "i do" is what i would say.

listening to songs that reminded us of us
because when we weren't together it was just a fuss
so we grew together and our hearts combined
living and breathing each other's soul and mind

no one else knows how your soul tastes but me
your plans and your dreams are the things i did see
so when you lie down and feel that space in your chest
just remember how snugly my head fit in there best.

<3

i'll always love you.

2009-07-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

If there's a tomorrow when we're not together,
there's something you must always remember.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think. But the most important
thing is even if we're apart, I'll always be with you.
- Winnie the Pooh

i'll always love you.

Thank you, God

2009-06-27T14:01:00.001-07:00

Trials into Blessings
from http://members.tripod.com/BC_StarFire/blessing.html

I just came unto a valley

One like I've never been before
I keep searching for a way out
Seems like padlocks are on the door
Oh, there must be another sunrise
Another sunset that I'll see
GOD will make this trial a blessing
That's the love HE has for me

GOD will make this trial a blessing
Though it sends me to my knees
Though my tears flow like a river
Yet in HIM there's sweet relief
There's no need to get discouraged
There's no need to talk defeat
GOD will make this trial a blessing
And the whole wide world will see

I was not the first one
To come into this place
You see every child of GOD
This test he must face
It is here that GOD will mold you
And make you what you ought to be
GOD will make this trial a blessing
Just be patient, you will see...

Now I'm standing on the mountain
Looking back I can see
When I was in that lowest valley
HIS strong hand was leading me
For it's good to see the sunshine
And to taste sweet victory
GOD has made this trial a blessing
Oh the grace HE gives to me

dear you,

2009-06-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

wow, almost two months.
but it's not nearly over, babe.

one week and a half ago you told me you loved me, you miss me, you want to marry me, and that we were going to work things out.
but a couple days later you said you didn't want to anymore because you heard some lies about me.

i'm patient, boy. make up your mind soon though.

i love you.

sincerely,
emily

Faith

2009-05-23T18:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not giving up.
I'm not giving you up.

What's more important than love?

cars? money? clothes? sex? history?

nothing is. nothing is more important than the intimacy, nurturing, devotion, care, happiness, and love we gave each other. nothing is.

in the end all you need is love. that's all you need. i'm following my heart for this one. i have faith. although it seems impossible and the future is unknown, i know we're going to be together. i love you, michael maring. the goods outweigh the bads. you and i both know what we have. i'm not going to throw it away. i love you with my whole entire soul and although we've been through some shit and we've both had issues, at the end of the day i just want to be by your side. just push all that garbage away. PUSH EVERYTHING AWAY: your friend's opinions, what some girls might say, what your family might say, the criticism of anyone, the worries you have, the pain in your shin, the problems we've had, stupid pier 1, how much money you have in the bank, how your hair looks, your fear of zombies. just push it away, and the remainder is love. our love. the warmth in your chest when we're together. the gravitational pull my body has to your arms. the ravishing suit you'll wear and my graceful gown. the 9 months of baby excitment that we're going to have someday. the fact that you will never be abandoned and i'll be your partner in anything you desire me to join you in.

you are beautiful inside and out, as i've come to know firsthand. i love you, Michael Patrick Maring and no matter what happens, i will never stop loving you.

Bye

2009-04-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

it's day 5. i'm 80% sure he's not coming back.

the drinking, the women, the freedom, the fun. why would he come back to me? i'm old news, captain. but it's okay because the truth is i'm only just waking. i hate to do this because i wanted the entire rest of my life with him by my side. it's the only way since now i know for sure he doesn't want me.

but this is just the beginning. i hate starting over but it must be done. as much as it kills me, i've got to move on. i fucking made it to day 5. this must mean something. i don't want to cut myself anymore, i don't want to cry. i ran out of tears, now i just feel empty. but its good. i'm going to fill myself up with good feelings and fun and friends. i deserve it.

then one day... i'll meet him. i'll meet the perfect guy for me. he'll heal all the old wounds and tell me everything's going to be alright. then this shitty situation would have just been one chapter in the book of my life. one very amazing yet painful chapter.

i'm never going to forget you michael. you taught me so much and i've never loved anyone as much as i loved you. thank you so much for taking care of me when i didn't deserve it, thank you for holding me while i cried and always paying for dinner. thank you for telling me interesting facts and playing with my little brothers. i'm sorry i pestered you so much, was always there bothering you and pushing you away. i just couldn't resist you really. i'm glad i had you in my life, i wish it could've been for longer. good bye.

pain

2009-04-23T05:33:00.000-07:00

he's not going to come back. I hate thinking that this is true but it is. he's been dying to get out this whole time. he's not going to come back to me and I've got to get it through my head.

I survived the first two days of our break up but this is day 3 and I'm losing it. I really don't think ill survive for another week. it hurts more that he's ready to go out and party. he's finally free, there's no rules. that's what he wanted all along, no rules. he just wants to try what's out there. he doesn't want me. I always knew he was too good for me. I'm ugly, timid and awkward. he's like a god compared to me. I'm nothing, it was foolish of me to think he ever gave a shit about me.

he hasn't even called to see if I'm okay. hasn't even texted to see if I haven't finished myself off yet. all he's said is that its not me its him. just those words make me realize how much he didn't give a shit.

I don't know if ill ever be okay. I don't really care if I am. people like me never end up happy. I only wanted him. that's all I fucking want. I long for him so much that I can't breathe. I can't sleep or eat. there's the hole in my chest and in my lungs.

I fucking want to die.

then again

2009-04-21T23:39:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep or stop thinking about you, which sucks cause I have a meeting @ 8.

to be honest, it would be easier to get over you if you hadn't planted these ideas in my head of love, marriage, commitment, babies, and shit. seriously, why did you do that? I didn't give that stuff a thought before, but since you said you wanted it, I wanted. I'm fucking stupid. you were obviously just saying shit to make me think you were serious about me. I always knew you didn't take me for real. I was always a joke to you but to me you're my entire world.

I've been thinking, I really hope I do die from a broken heart. not to make you feel guilty or anything, not that you'd even give a damn. but I hope I die from a broken heart so that I know during my final moments, it'll be because I loved you too much. it'll be all for love. a lovely, loving death. I'd die because I love you and you don't love me. I'm already dead without you anyway. what's the difference? I don't want to feel your absence. I don't want to feel anything but your skin and hair and arms. I can't bear to live without you, michael.

you

2009-04-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

"does she dream of me? i dream of her. the nights away from her she's all that's in my head."
-asthma

i can't live without you
i can't stand that you don't love me
i don't want to be without you
i don't want anything but you
i just wanted your unconditional love
i will not be able to deal with you moving on
i will not be able to forget about you
i will never stop loving you
i meant everything i ever said to you
everything about how when i'm not with you i feel empty
i believed everything that came out of your mouth
i believed you and i trusted you
all those plans and those images about the future
i fucking never doubted any of it
i believed you when you said you wanted me to be the one
but you didn't mean it

i just want to die of heartbreak and get it over with
i can't fucking breathe, i don't want to
i hope i die in my sleep tonight
i don't want to be without you
i physically can't function
you promised we'd be happy together forever

i ate it all up
now i can't stop crying
and i'm considering peeling my skin open and ripping out my veins
why didn't you just tell me in the beginning that you were just saying that
that there was no meaning behind it that they were just nice things to say

fuck fuck fuck everything
i don't want it
i don't want anything
nothing fucking matters
nothing is anything
every second i spend apart from you, my chest is in pain
fuck, why couldn't you just love me.

pathetic but...

2009-04-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

so i've got no coping skills.

i seriously thought about killing myself today. i'm not going to go into details but i wanted to do it so bad. i feel like i need to die. i can't deal with the pain that i'm feeling right now. i need to like stop living right now. i can't fathom my life without him. it sounds fucking cliche, pathetic, naive, and stupid but its true. it's how i feel. i feel like i can't breathe and my heart is shrivelling up. the pain surges throughout my entire body and i want to just fucking end it.

why? like why? why did you continiously lie to me. i'm dying. i'm going to die without you. you know that and you don't care. why didn't you just tell me i didn't mean shit to you?

im fucking shattered
i fucking hate everything
i really wish i was brave enought to end myself.

saw this coming

2009-03-28T15:01:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be homeless for real now. no one's supporting me on this, no one's got my back. I'm alone.

when I told mike I'm looking into an apartment, he said he wouldn't move in with me. he said he can't afford it. its fine, I don't want him to go broke, but it still sucks.

so I'm trying to work out my options and nothing will work out in my favor. I've got no money, or friends, or support but I've got to get out of my house. I've already made up my mind the minute my father pushed me against the wall while kicking me. its not worth living here.

I've got to figure something out by monday. and now I'm all alone. I'm going to be homeless. and I'm miserable.

maybe ill just get hit by a truck or something.

from Worse to Worst.

2009-03-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

things are barely getting better for me. i'm depressed again, i don't know if i ever stopped being depressed, but here i am again. i'm wearing michael out. he hates when i'm upset and i hate it too. i just get so sad for no apparent reason, but just nothing ever works out for me. i keep trying to be optimistic and keep trying to make my life better, but i just fall flat on my face.

i was going to list the things that are wrong in my life but there's alot and i feel pathetic even thinking about it all but some of it includes the fact that i got violently kicked out of my house by my ignorant prick father, i'm not sure where i'm going to live because it's too late to dorm in my school and i've got no money. next, i got a lovely traffic ticket for "unsafe lane change". the sad part is the person actually signaled for me to go in front of them but the scumbag cop thought i deserved it anyway? now i have to go to court and face hundreds of dollars of fees and possible points on my license, plus i've got to represent myself because i have no money for a stupid lawyer. i hate cops. also, the few friends i have hate me because i'm a bad drunk and get all party-pooper status because of my drunken emotional breakdowns. the worst part is that out of all this, the only person that cares about me is michael and i keep bringing him down with my self-pity crap. i don't know how to stop it, i'm just down and gay all the time. i cry when i'm not with him and when i am with him, i get clingy and annoy him. i love him and i need him so much but i know i'm pushing him away.

i need to do something with myself before i dwindle into a worse depression. someone save me? i'm the worst, saddest, stupidest person in the world. this blog proves it.

i'm always going to be stuck in the this vicious circle of sadness, fuckkkkk.

i love you till the end

2009-01-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

i don't care about getting hurt. it's worth it just to even have you for a moment. it really is, like even though we have horrible fights and we each fuck up, it's worth it. cause without you i'd be an empty shell. you give me life and i cannot even begin to express how much that means to me. i'll do anything you say and i'll change to make me right for you. like do whatever you want, be a jerk, be a dick to me, flirt with other girls, make fun of me, treat me however you'd like. i don't care, all i want is you if even for a moment. even if at the end you leave me and there's just the painfully heartbreak ordeal i'll have to go through, it's worth it because i have you right now. i just love you, michael.

I just want to see you

When youre all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You dont want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why dont you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
Im lost for words dont tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end

sick

2009-01-12T11:32:00.000-08:00

hey i'm sick.

sick of waiting around for life to happen.
sick of my parents crushing my dreams and bringing me down.
sick of being impatient.
sick of being confused.
sick of relying on everyone else.
sick of being surprised when they let me down.
sick of freehold, nj.
sick of missing my hometown.
sick of my job at express that makes me hate people and sell crappy clothes for pathetic $9 an hour.
sick of being alone all the time.
sick of my thoughts.
sick of these horrible surprises.
sick of missing your skin next to mine so bad.
sick of you living so far from me.
sick of my stupid mistakes.
sick of being so passive.
sick of wishing instead of doing.

i'm going to cure myself.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

2009-01-01T20:51:00.000-08:00

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

that's the sound of my brain exploding.
what the fuck
what the fuck
what the fuck

idk

I want to bite something

2008-12-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

la di da di, we like to pardy

again, i'm sick of everything. i feel so stupid for believing everything you tell me, really i am. i don't care about anything anymore, i'm so fucking emotionally wasted. everyone is running me down and dimming my soul. stop it please, my souls uneasy enough. merry christmas to you too baby :-)

Pathetic

2008-12-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

I just keep proving over and over to myself just how pathetic I am and how no one in the world is willing to stand by my side.

Even the person I thought would stick with me just bails all the time.

STICK WITH ME PLS.

I need you

Downhill

2008-11-23T19:35:00.000-08:00

EDIT: I'm done wreaking emotional havoc on myself, bye!

There's a spider in my room so I'm sleeping with Icie tonight in hopes that she'll find it and kill it.

Again, I'm not sure whether I should feel stupid or not. Was I used or am I the one taking advantage? Maybe it's both. In the end, I'm the bitch I guess. This sorta thing only happens when you follow your basic human instincts like selfishness, desire, lust, irrationality. Those spur of the moment decisions that click in your head moments after you're given the light of day are what make those messy situations. Romanticism only goes so far 'cause in the end if it's too good to be true, it probably is? Lovey-doveyness, it only goes downhill from there. But all those words feel so fucking beautiful when they are spilling out of your adorable mouth. So like, after all is not said nor done, who's the jerk? Who breaks who's heart? Do two wrongs make a right? Can we call it even? Hey, answer me. No? You don't care? Fine, that's what I love about you in the first place.

I'm still trying to convince myself I did/didn't do something wrong.

this isn't about anyone that it should be

Dandy

2008-11-12T11:16:00.001-08:00

Your apathy tells me what I needed to know. Sigh!!! There's (a lot of) things I want to say to you but I don't want to vomit them out cause that would be, yanno...

Putting that aside, everything is fine. I'm fine. Dandy, even. I'm mostly sick of it all and I can't stop laying in bed wondering what my next move should be. Community college just gets me more down and next spring I'm supposed to be out in a real university. But instead of me going "YEA COLLEGE! LETS DO THIS!", I just want to curl up on a nice comfy blanket, watching a stupid movie, and drinking something with a high alcohol content.

So I'm hopefully going to meet Robert Pattinson who plays the amazing Edward Cullen in the Twilight movie. I just have to journey to Philly (1 hour and a halfish), fight off some 500 crazed fangirls, and then pay $30 -_- but omg, so worth it. I just finished reading the whole series and I pretty much loved it all. Its just all too fucking perfect.

Blush

2008-10-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

I'm confused
I'm a mess

Well ~~we both know how we feel about each other.~~ Correction, I know how I feel about you. Which is mostly admiration, desire, with a hint of intrigue. I don't want to be your girlfriend. I want to be your everything. But then again, I want a lot of things and I just so happen to never get what I want. You don't have to feel this way about me so I'm willing to accept friendship, meaningless hugs, or whatever you wanna throw my way. I'm glad things happened though. It melts my heart when I look back on our lil' cute memories.

I was (am?) head over heels.
^____^

Bleh

2008-10-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so fucking devistated. I've come to realize everything is too good to be true. Nothing will ever go my way. Anything I look forward to will probably not ever happen and I will never be happy. Yeah, happiness doesn't happen for me apparently.

I just want to fucking like, skip life for like a year. Just to fucking forget everything and play it off. Whatever dude, I'm fucking sick of everything, including myself. Everything in my life is making me sick and no one fucking cares. No one has any regard for my feelings. Especially sweet, sweet fucking Michael. Wow, way to fucking make the last two years feel like it fucking meant something, not really though.

I just feel so fucking empty right now. I can't like even stop crying cause there's nothing to distract me from the fucking clump in my throat that's making it hard for me to breathe. I can't call anyone cause I don't wanna bring them down with my pathetic problems. In addition, I've already read the books I bought two nights ago. So that leaves nothing at all. I have nothing to rely on.

I keep fantasizing about how I wish my life could be. Just me and you, cause I've pretty much lost faith in all of humanity.

Twilight

2008-10-11T00:10:00.000-07:00

So I saw Nick and Norah finally and it was such a good, awesome movie but that's not what this blog is about.

Mike got me Twilight yesterday. I'd been talking about reading it for a while since all I hear is rave reviews about it. I started reading yesterday and I finished tonight. It has to be one of the best love stories ever. Basically I couldn't put the book down. I was so entangled and caught up in this crazy little vampire world where boys are drop-dead gorgeous and love you forever. Damn it, Edward Cullen, why can't you be real. Haha, I'm gonna definitely buy or borrow the sequel (hmm, Lizzy has the whole series, maybe I'll steal it from her [:<). I read a lil' preview for the next one and fuck, I can't wait. AND the movie comes out next month so I'm excited that I read it. However, from the trailer I can see that its gonna be pretty... off? For one thing, Bella is not how I pictured, she's all like big and butchy and not the cute, clumsy girl from the book. Neither is Edward for that matter. I thought he was supposed to emanate god-like beauty? That dude is just kinda dim in comparison to what I pictured in my head. Oh well, definitely gonna see it theatres though.

I feel like such a fangirl o_O

Emotions Soup

2008-10-08T23:58:00.000-07:00

I'm in this emotional soup lately where all I feel is happyness, regret, confidence, melancholy, excitement, and anger. It's just this vicious cycle. A clusterfuck of emotions. A mood swing souffle.

I basically don't know what to do with myself. I think I know what I'm doing but I don't, I've got it all wrong probably. Mistakes or good choices, who decides what's what?

I'm trying to get my shit together though. Today I took the Spanish CLEP cause I'm fluent and all, I got a pretty good score. 74 out of 80! The thing was harder than I expected so I'm proud I did so well. That's a sweet 6 credits that I didn't have before. Also, today I sent in my application to Monmouth University. I'd like to apply to other places though, just in case. Tomorrow I have a math class at 8am that I'm not attending though. Teehee. And I'm finally seeing Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist *crosses fingers* =)

"That's what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche or a blow job or a million-dollar crib. No. They want to hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding."

-Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, novel

Sigh

2008-10-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm like in zombie-mode right now. I woke up super-early so I was on time to my field work at Erikson School. I have to help out at one of the 1st grade classrooms there every Tuesday. The kids are adorable and they say the most funniest things all the time.

I've lost touch with my friends Lizzy and Pau again. I miss them alot and I miss us all being together. I just don't want to talk to them cause I'll bring them down since I've been so depressed lately. I don't even wanna talk to Mike cause he's depressed too. Instead of being gay and emo together or trying to cheer up he decides to talk to me condensendingly. It's not his fault though, I'm even crappier now cause I have my period. I want someone who will just talk garbage and dreams with me. Yeah, I'm a selfish jerk sometimes.

Watching Family Guy and it's the only thing that will get a laugh out of me lately. I miss being happy and not so cynical all the time.

Ditched and Decisions

2008-10-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck babysitting my two brothers alone. Mike was supposed to accompany me, but he fell off as usual. He should've just said he wasn't coming, but I guess I should've expected this. My 17 year old sister is off somewhere in Hoboken and my parents are in Columbia 'til who knows. My mom hired my aunt to babysit but she's off at a party, lol.

So that's my luck obviously and since I'm just sitting here my minds wandering. I'm thinking whether sometimes I make the right choices. I suck at decisions and I think I made the right one for everyone's sake; and mine? I'm not sure. Whatever, I'm making up my mind, like my boy Tupac would advise so.

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.
-Tupac

Drugs, Dancing, and Bruises

2008-10-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

I had math class all morning and it made me want to shoot myself.

Mike got his teeth pulled today so he's all cracked out and adorable from the Vicodin. He's telling me sweet nothings and being spontaneous. I wish he'd stay this way, lol. Tonight I might be going to Chubby's in Red Bank. Basically it's a club that all the Monmouth University kids go to and Lizzy invited me. I'm excited cause last time I went I had so much fun, I was so trashed and we were like dancing on some stage thing *raised eyebrow*. Ha, good times.

This song owns my life right now. It's from that iPod commercial, but still it's mighty sweet.

Bruises by Chairlift

Anxiety

2008-10-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually an anxious person. But when I am anxious, its like I swallowed a ball of uneasiness. This is the worst feeling in the world.

I feel the the distress and nervousness flowing from my stomach to my fingertips. It mostly sits in my stomach though, like a brick of worry clamped onto my intenstines. My fingertips are dead and the intestinal parasite of anxiety in my gut just sucks the life out of me.

I'm not usually an anxious person. But when I am anxious, I just want to call you up so you can reassure me everythings gonna be alright. Then the anxiety pours out of my fingertips. This is the best feeling in the world.

Blogs and Bad Luck

2008-09-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

So I'm back from the abyss of non-internet world, aka real life. My hosting account from http://www.laughterdisaster.com has finally expired, so I'm just gonna use blogspot instead. I lost all my data though, cause the jerks at Godaddy.com don't give any fair warning. They're pretty much just like, "sup bitch, thanks for buying our overpriced domains and stuff, say bye to your years worth of personal experiences and recollections." Haha, well it's my fault too cause I never save or back up stuff.

Anyhoot, I'm wallowing in my misery today cause nothing will ever turn out okay. Everytime I tell people that I have rotten luck, they think about it for a second, and then reassure me that I'm correct. Emily has bad luck. I mean seriously, who gets hospitalized twice in one weekend? There's more pathetic things that happen to me, but as I think about it in my head it makes me more dissatisfied with myself. Maybe it's all those broken mirrors, black cats, strolls under ladders, and spilled salt that I always shrug off.

Okay, enough self-pity. This video the only thing that will make me crack a smile right now. If I have kids they better say funny shit like this!!! :D